My First Post

I should have been more honest with my very first posting but I didn't have the hang of it yet. While I'm not completely sold that I really have any hang of any damn thing, I will try to be more straight forward. Seeing the entire world is my audience, I must help you get to know me and I suggest you sit back have a drink and relax because this will be an interesting read.
I will open the box that is the epitome of Pandora and the twisted in sister, my life as it happened. We won't do the stereotypical childhood shit, we will go straight to the beginning of my children's childhood. My life before children in no way prepared me for a life with them. The answer to a child's question about life should come from an adult and that's not until your 30 (if your a man) so what happens when you start having kids at 16? Well the answer to that is what this blog is all about. If you still don't get why you should continue to read this blog then I will spell it out for you. You will continue to read this blog because you don't know me, but you want to know me because I am the guy that tells the story. I make some completely random choices in life and very strange things happen to me so I'm sure this blog will be great reading. The entire point of life in my humble opinion is relationships. The contact we have with other living beings is " life " and this blog is a short summary of my view of life.
So since we are starting at my teenage years you must first understand that by the time I was 16 I had attended 7 funerals and most of those were close family to include my father. The loss of my father and moving five hours away from what little family i had left made me feel alone and looking for love to fill the holes in my heart. This need to replace the love that I had lost in my family had me more interested in relationships than ever so I was very sexually active. By the time I met Jennifer ( I was 15 ) I had already been intimate with 15 or so women all ranging in age from 14 to 18 so she wasn't the only "adult" just the oldest and first big girl I hooked up with. Now by "big" I mean she was bigger than me but small enough to stay active in the Air Force. So size wise she was 5'8" at 170lbs I'd guess. I only weighed 150lbs at 5'10" so I wouldn't say she was real big but she wasn't the smallest pea in the pod.
Jennifer wasn't the hottest woman no matter the size but she was the magic age of 21. I sold my sex, seed, and the first slice of my soul for free alcohol. What the fuck was I thinking? Now I can get all the alcohol I can drink and only get laid when I apologize for everything I had done since the last time I had sex and this routine can take up a good part of a month. But here I am a fifteen year old horny boy that is being given all the perks of being an adult with out any of the responsibility or consequences. This woman would do everything I asked, why would I have stopped? Since she was so giving and only asked for sex in return, I was an easy sell. What I didn't know then was she had planned on pulling the "trap" on me. The "trap" is what guys call a woman that gets pregnant as a way to keep a man. Minus the whole pregnancy thing, this is every mans dream. I thought I was living the life! Hell the more I think about it the more jealous I am of the younger me. My only question is, how come I didn't use a condom? Why did I listen to that woman? What did I think caused the baby "virus?" Jennifer was in control to be honest because she told me she was catholic and practice the rhythm method. This is the method that follows a woman's menstrual cycle. I couldn't explain it then and I can't explain it now. Jennifer knew she wanted a child and not just in bed, she wanted a baby. After she pulled the trap I started to shy away from her. I stuck around for a few weeks then disappeared until the birth of my first daughter. I went to the hospital the day after my daughter Kloe was born and stayed for a couple of months. Things weren't destined for a story book ending due simply to the fact that I was now 16 years old and I realized I didn't want to grow old with this woman. To be honest, I didn't think I was going to live past 30 and there wasn't a woman alive I wanted for longer than a couple weeks. So Jennifer moved on, she figured she got half of what she wanted so she went to look for the other half. The next few months of my life were a slow downward spiral that I couldn't see or feel. Guidance is the one thing in life I didn't get and still don't have.

Is "GOD" Trying to tell me something?

    I'm not religious, not in any shape or fashion. So by "GOD" I mean the almighty in which you blame for all the bad and beg to for all the good. So from this point forward in this blog, "GOD" will be referred to as BOB. If I would have thought about it a little longer the title of this posting would have been the name of the blog. One day I promise to go through all these posts and arrange them chronologically because with me as with most everyone else, I feel the backstory is essential.

I ask if BOB is talking to me because I wonder why certain things happen to me. I'm sure everyone has that thought, but is it because you see complete random shit happen? Since you can't answer that, I'll explain my latest odd sighting. I witnessed the disappearance of all testosterone in the blink of an eye. I work as a salesperson so I drive around all day so in sure I have a better chance of seeing weird things but there are certain things you just have to experience yourself. One of those things is the adventure and mixture of pure fear and sheer amazement when you hit a flying animal(s) at 70 mph (See what hitting a chicken at 120 mpg looks like click here). I have had a swarm of crickets try fruitlessly to jump across the highway as I was passing them and my reaction then was much like today when I watch as two birds tried to cross a super busy highway in the middle of the 8th largest city in the U.S. I don't know why it looked possible to an animal whose sole purpose in life is flight but this fat fucking pigeon just slammed into the top of my windshield and made me scream like a 3 year old child.

On a normal day birds are flying all over the place, but those are the majority, what about the minority? The animal world has minorities too. They have defects like three eyes, bad bones, and mentally challenged as well. Well guess what BOB showed me today? He showed me that even birds can have weight problems. If I really think about it, this bird, who we'll call "Pudgy The Pigeon," had a weight issue and had to be a mentally challenged bird. Pudgy wasn't alone but the other bird didn't get hit so I'm thinking Pudgy was a wing man.

    So as I'm driving down the highway, I saw the birds flying low and as slow as my brain is, the next 10 seconds seemed to take an hour. My brain hadn't had time to really think about what was happening so as I watched Pudgy start to veer towards me I don't know why but I was automatically starting to feel fear. Thinking back that fear was probably for the bird, which is so unlike me because I truly believe if you are dumb enough to slam yourself into an oncoming truck then you get what you asked for. Fat birds are food for a lazy predators like me, only the strong survive. I'm thankful that the only real adversary man has is the planet herself mother earth, because if I was a pigeon, my name would be Pudgy.



NOTE: I found a video on YouTube that made me look like a big chicken. LoL

First Step

    So I'm the cowardly lion. When I thought up the title of this blog it just kinda came to me. I think it fits tho, I do feel like I have to be a lion but really i'm scared as shit. When I was a kid, much like everyone else in the world, I wanted to be something. When I was a kid, I didn't know what that was but I told my great grandmother that I was going to have my name in lights. Now i'm in my mid 30's and now I think "I fucking failed that poor old woman." The only way my name ever made it up in lights was with a light bright (if you know what the hell that is, then your to old to be listening to my problems and have to many of your own.)
    I have had more jobs than I can count. I've forgotten more jobs I've worked than most people ever work in a lifetime. I've been paid shit for hard work and damn good for a piss poor job and honestly I didn't like any of them. What the hell is so exciting about getting up at the same time every day? Why in the fuck does it make sense to someone to want to do that early in the morning for five days straight? What ever culture created the five day work week (and I have my money on the greeks, i'm just to lazy to do the research) was a sadistical group of freaks. If someone can argue the case on why it's not insane to live a routine then I will take on the challenge happily. But the sad truth is the robotic life we trudge through is pathetic at best and damned at worst.  I like to get laid so I got married. I like to swimming so I live close to water. I like to drink so I buy beer. I like to play video games so I bought a computer. Now where in there do you see any fucking time for a job I don't like? I'm already busy, those things are fun, I like to partake in every one of those, and twice on Sunday for a couple. Why would I fuck up a perfectly good day by getting up early and spend the next 8 to 10 hours getting pissed, frustrated, and tired then go home and take it all out on my babe, beer, and game.

    So back to the subject at hand, my feeling about my failures has always been pretty strong but now as I age I start to think that maybe it's not to late. I'm not saying that I could replace Jerry Sienfield or anything but I am saying I can still go make an attempt. The only down side is that if for some reason people find me funnier than the people around me and I actually got good, I'd be to damn lazy to try to go do this all over the fucking country. I've traveled the states enough and no one outside of the U.S would understand shit I'd be talking about. One of the reasons I haven't jumped up and ran to the nearest open mic night is because I think the fact that I think i'm funny may be a little different than me actually being funny. Sustaining a crowd of any more than 5 is hell for me at parties, I can't imagine trying to do that in a room with 50 or more I'd get pissed. See I have this idea that I'm fucking smart. I don't mean like I can figure out how to change the oil in a lawn mower, more like I'm a deep thinker, I learn really fast by doing, and I have experienced how to do things in the wrong way so my hindsight is on point. I can convince people that I make sense when I'm totally baked out of my gourd and rambling about Socrates and keyword research.
    I think I always knew I wanted to be a comedian maybe at one point I thought I'd be an actor but after seeing pictures of me in high school, I damn well know I'd have ended up being the Korean kid in Goonies, I'd look like a dumbass and I'd never want to tell anyone I was in a movie in fear that they would look back one day and laugh at how completely idiotic I looked at that age. Vanity is NOT an issue for me because I know i'm average at best in the looks department and honestly I'd rather be anything but. You want to know what kind of bullshit "average" people have to deal with?? First off we never win SHIT! FUCK!! We can't even get the last place prize! Sure we get women, right after the good looking assholes damage them, so we get to pay for their evils. So they treat us like shit, waste our time, and move on to the ugly motherfucker that's just happy they have someone and treat the damn woman the way she wants anyways. Tell me if you've heard this story before because I'm throwing in my vote for the "average" man to get a break once in a while. The only problem with this theoretical system is that now, in my 30's, i'm married to a HOT woman. So does that mean I was average and now with age I'm ugly? I have to put some thought in this, maybe some research too. I wonder if my system is area specific because I have had that theory for my entire life and I have lived it, but I am married now to a woman from a different country, culture, and language. So do our rules apply?
    I'm going to interject a story that happened a couple of days ago. I was sitting outside on the balcony smoking and my neighbor comes walking by laughing and smiling at me. (This neighbor lives in the apartment above me) I asked why he was so happy and he asked me how old I was. Which instead of answering my question, it totally confused the fuck out of me. So I asked again, "what's up with you man?" His reply almost had me in tears. See my wife and I like to watch different shows on Netflix and lately we've been watching Merlin. A couple of nights ago we finished season 2 and my wife was all pumped up and excited, it was 3 am (we like to stay up late.) As we got up and were in the process of getting ready for bed my wife was in the bathroom yelling (don't ask me why, this may be a reason my wife is so hot and choose to marry my average ass) and this is a quote "WELCOME TO CAMALOT!" I don't know why, but she did. My neighbor didn't hear that at all. He heard "I'M GOING TO CUM A LOT!" I wanted to laugh but I held back because I wanted to be a badass for a few minutes. So I said, yeah, sorry bro you know how it is. lol No he doesn't either, that motherfucker is married to a cow, she's 4'11" and just as tall. If she get's him excited enough to make her scream like that, i'm sure they will call animal control.