First Step

    So I'm the cowardly lion. When I thought up the title of this blog it just kinda came to me. I think it fits tho, I do feel like I have to be a lion but really i'm scared as shit. When I was a kid, much like everyone else in the world, I wanted to be something. When I was a kid, I didn't know what that was but I told my great grandmother that I was going to have my name in lights. Now i'm in my mid 30's and now I think "I fucking failed that poor old woman." The only way my name ever made it up in lights was with a light bright (if you know what the hell that is, then your to old to be listening to my problems and have to many of your own.)
    I have had more jobs than I can count. I've forgotten more jobs I've worked than most people ever work in a lifetime. I've been paid shit for hard work and damn good for a piss poor job and honestly I didn't like any of them. What the hell is so exciting about getting up at the same time every day? Why in the fuck does it make sense to someone to want to do that early in the morning for five days straight? What ever culture created the five day work week (and I have my money on the greeks, i'm just to lazy to do the research) was a sadistical group of freaks. If someone can argue the case on why it's not insane to live a routine then I will take on the challenge happily. But the sad truth is the robotic life we trudge through is pathetic at best and damned at worst.  I like to get laid so I got married. I like to swimming so I live close to water. I like to drink so I buy beer. I like to play video games so I bought a computer. Now where in there do you see any fucking time for a job I don't like? I'm already busy, those things are fun, I like to partake in every one of those, and twice on Sunday for a couple. Why would I fuck up a perfectly good day by getting up early and spend the next 8 to 10 hours getting pissed, frustrated, and tired then go home and take it all out on my babe, beer, and game.

    So back to the subject at hand, my feeling about my failures has always been pretty strong but now as I age I start to think that maybe it's not to late. I'm not saying that I could replace Jerry Sienfield or anything but I am saying I can still go make an attempt. The only down side is that if for some reason people find me funnier than the people around me and I actually got good, I'd be to damn lazy to try to go do this all over the fucking country. I've traveled the states enough and no one outside of the U.S would understand shit I'd be talking about. One of the reasons I haven't jumped up and ran to the nearest open mic night is because I think the fact that I think i'm funny may be a little different than me actually being funny. Sustaining a crowd of any more than 5 is hell for me at parties, I can't imagine trying to do that in a room with 50 or more I'd get pissed. See I have this idea that I'm fucking smart. I don't mean like I can figure out how to change the oil in a lawn mower, more like I'm a deep thinker, I learn really fast by doing, and I have experienced how to do things in the wrong way so my hindsight is on point. I can convince people that I make sense when I'm totally baked out of my gourd and rambling about Socrates and keyword research.
    I think I always knew I wanted to be a comedian maybe at one point I thought I'd be an actor but after seeing pictures of me in high school, I damn well know I'd have ended up being the Korean kid in Goonies, I'd look like a dumbass and I'd never want to tell anyone I was in a movie in fear that they would look back one day and laugh at how completely idiotic I looked at that age. Vanity is NOT an issue for me because I know i'm average at best in the looks department and honestly I'd rather be anything but. You want to know what kind of bullshit "average" people have to deal with?? First off we never win SHIT! FUCK!! We can't even get the last place prize! Sure we get women, right after the good looking assholes damage them, so we get to pay for their evils. So they treat us like shit, waste our time, and move on to the ugly motherfucker that's just happy they have someone and treat the damn woman the way she wants anyways. Tell me if you've heard this story before because I'm throwing in my vote for the "average" man to get a break once in a while. The only problem with this theoretical system is that now, in my 30's, i'm married to a HOT woman. So does that mean I was average and now with age I'm ugly? I have to put some thought in this, maybe some research too. I wonder if my system is area specific because I have had that theory for my entire life and I have lived it, but I am married now to a woman from a different country, culture, and language. So do our rules apply?
    I'm going to interject a story that happened a couple of days ago. I was sitting outside on the balcony smoking and my neighbor comes walking by laughing and smiling at me. (This neighbor lives in the apartment above me) I asked why he was so happy and he asked me how old I was. Which instead of answering my question, it totally confused the fuck out of me. So I asked again, "what's up with you man?" His reply almost had me in tears. See my wife and I like to watch different shows on Netflix and lately we've been watching Merlin. A couple of nights ago we finished season 2 and my wife was all pumped up and excited, it was 3 am (we like to stay up late.) As we got up and were in the process of getting ready for bed my wife was in the bathroom yelling (don't ask me why, this may be a reason my wife is so hot and choose to marry my average ass) and this is a quote "WELCOME TO CAMALOT!" I don't know why, but she did. My neighbor didn't hear that at all. He heard "I'M GOING TO CUM A LOT!" I wanted to laugh but I held back because I wanted to be a badass for a few minutes. So I said, yeah, sorry bro you know how it is. lol No he doesn't either, that motherfucker is married to a cow, she's 4'11" and just as tall. If she get's him excited enough to make her scream like that, i'm sure they will call animal control.