Not a significant story

I freaked out yesterday, I realized that this blog is attached to my social sites and if anyone I know happens across this page they will be filling in a lot of blanks and I don't think I want that so now I have to spend time covering my anchovies. Now that that's out of the way I have to admit this, blogging sucks. Not because I don't have a voice, not because I don't have time or because I have nothing to say but simply because I have no audience. I seem to do better in crowds, I get a feel of the scene and whip out the best stories but here, writing blind has been terrible.

I understand I won't get people to read if it's just ramblings of an old man but they do! People read some of the strangest shit and I must confess I'm one of them but even those people won't read my posts. So what's a guy to do?

ANSWER: (Flip Bird)

Now, I was sitting outside of my favorite barber shop down the street. I'm waiting for my hair stylist to finish up with her customer and while I don't normally wait long, this day I was in bad need of a haircut so I was there till the job was done. As I'm standing there smoking and people watching, I hear a truck rev up its engine, squeal its tires and lunge at some guy walking in the parking lot. When I focused in on the action I saw a good sized man jump out of the truck and the toothpick of a man that was almost a speed bump immediately threw up his hands backing away from the driver yelling "I thought you were someone else, I’m sorry, seriously man, I'm not lying!" Then the toothpick runs away from the truck down the sidewalk in front of the little strip mall I was standing in front of. The Chihuahua driving the big toy (He was like a little dog, sounded scary but never did a damn thing and he was driving a Tundra) then guns the engine again around some cars and quickly followed the toothpick around the building. No sooner than the truck made it around the corner the toothpick came right back around the corner and then ran towards the fast food places at the end of the parking lot. At this point I lost sight of the skinny guy running around and the truck seemed to back off but what really eats at me about this whole event is that I never get to know the story behind it all. I don't know if the skinny guy was some sort of psycho and slapped the drivers’ girlfriend or his mom, who knows. So I'm stuck with an incomplete story.

That story has been rattling around in my head for almost a week now and it's driving me crazy. So I decided to write and give an ending to the partial one I witnessed. Isn't this the same way the magazine The Enquirer was invented?

Setup: Skinny guy will now be known as "Shaggy" (he did look a little like the Latin version of shaggy, so it's not too much of a stretch.)The all bark and no bite driver will be known as "Kim ill" because he was a short thick dude with big sunglasses, though he was Latino too.

Story: Shaggy is sitting on his couch in his apartment just hanging out watching cartoon network on a Tuesday afternoon when he gets a craving for some pizza. He's not sure but he thinks his neighbor is sleeping with his mom because for some reason when he sees his neighbor in passing the guy calls him "son" every single time and he always laughs before saying the word son. So for the past year he has been sneaking out of his apartment. Once he's clear of his apartment and in the grocery store parking lot he realizes he's forgotten what he needed to buy so he goes inside. He notices immediately that every grocery store he's ever been into has had the produce on the right side of the store. He headed straight towards the bakery to see if there are any free samples from the deli, bakery or Chinese short cook. He makes it through half of the store when he finds himself in the frozen foods section, he only realizes this because in his rush he only had on a t-shirt, shorts, socks and slip on sandals or pretty much what he slept in last night. So now he makes his way outside to warm up and he sees his buddy drive by in a new truck so he follows him on foot. His buddy didn't notice him walking in the parking lot so Shaggy comes up with an idea and after a few minutes of belly ripping laughter he strolls up to his buddy's truck and waits. A few minutes later he catches his friend heading straight to his truck so Shaggy jumps into action. He turns his back to his buddy and makes sure the guy can see he's between the vehicles but not be able to see his face. By the time Kim Ill makes his way out to the parking lot he sees some scrawny crack head looking guy on the other side of his truck and he's giggling uncontrollably. As confused as he could be Kim peaked his head around his truck, to his horror he realizes that this random crack head his pissing all over his door and apparently on himself too. After Kim catches a good deep breath he screams "What the?!" Shaggy quickly shuts off the water works and drops his tool back in his pajama bottoms and skipped off laughing hysterically. Once Kim finishes surveying the scene and making sure that idiot didn't do something a bit more serious to his truck he then turned his gaze back towards Shaggy who had run between a few rows over. Without thinking too much about it Kim rips his truck door open, the air rocketed straight into his nostrils, piss. If there was a graphic representation of Kim's mind it would have been nuclear. Kim cranks up his truck and floors it, he's going to make a speed bump out of this slacker loser. Shaggy has to stop after a few rows of cars between the running and laughing this is the most exercise his tummy has seen since childhood. He turns around looking for his buddy when he heard the squealing tires, then he feels it. Kim knows Shaggy hasn't seen him yet, oddly enough Shaggy seems to be staring at where Kim was parked. Kim realizes that Shaggy won't even move a little and he's scared of going to jail so he slams on the breaks and jumps out of the truck. Shaggy ripped his head around to see the truck come to a stop and when the truck door slammed shut he didn't recognize the guy driving, holy hell, his brain was suddenly frozen in fear so he takes off running. An hour later shaggy realized that there are a lot more Toyota Tundra's in his neighborhood than he ever imagined.

This is what I do, while you guys are at work, being productive. I wonder what your story is, can you tell it?

The Fallen Angel

So on Friday night I go out with my wife to a club named Si Señor and have a few drinks. We leave the club around 2:45 am and after there we went to grab some tacos. We finally get home at 4 and jump in bed and just 3 hours later our Yorkie "Tekila" wakes me up by licking my nose letting me know she was wanting to play. So I get up and sit on the balcony to have a ciggerette in the peaceful morning air.

So after a few peaceful minutes the silence is broken by my neighbor who is on his way to some volunteer work at the hospital and is in his scrubs. He quickly says hi and he heads down the sidewalk towards the parking lot to his car. I returned my gaze off to the other side of the pool to my old balcony where i lived last year. There i normally see an older gentleman who also sits out on his balcony to smoke but he wasn't there this morning, not yet anyway.

    My previous apartment is on the bottom floor of a three story apartment building. We became friends with the three apartments around us but we never meet any of the people on the third floor. All of that information becomes relevant when out of no where a man falls off a balcony on the other side of the pool. My neighbor, who had only made ten steps away, looks back at me just before he jumps the gate of the pool, as if to say " did you see that?" As he rushed over to check on the guy I stood up, (Which I'm sure had to shock the guy because no sooner did he land on the ground than a man in hospital scrubs shows up to make sure he's ok, it's all about the timing ) in complete shock and to see if my mind was messing with me. Nope, it's not the alcohol or my mind, this is happening. I grabbed my iPhone and went to check on the guy and see if I should call 911. I don't know why I didn't automatically call 911 but it might have kept me out of a mess I didn't want any part of.

    Shortly after I got to the other side of the pool a short round girl in her 20's appeared from around the corner and said she had called the police already. This girl looked to have been crying because she had big thick black raccoon circles around her eyes and she was wearing a not big enough T-shirt and smaller booty shorts than legal. She intimidated me a little at first. I'm thinking she threw him out, litteraly. Twenty steps behind her was a tall skinny black guy in skinny red pants and an undersized black T-shirt, so this lovers quarrel has a twist. When the dark knight appeared he said this was a "public dispute", what ever that is I'm sure I want no part. This is when I have my first thought of running home and hiding in my bed. Between the shock and fear that something fucked up is either about to happen or just did and the fact that I'm not sure I'm not dreaming. There is such a thing as an extremely bad time to make a brain work in high gear and that's when you've had 3 hours of drunk sleep and half a ciggerette. My mind was toast the moment it processed the sight of that man hitting the ground.

    After a few moments I decide to walk back to my balcony so I can digest all the crazy shit I just saw. With the police on the way, a guy that has a lot more first aid than me is there, and the witnesses to fill in the blanks I would only be in the way. Before I could move I heard the wailing of a woman in an odd distorted Spanish and it was at this moment I felt fear. The shock had given way to fear after I saw the woman that was making all the noise. She came running around the corner in an oversized T-shirt and I think she may have only had on panties under her ghetto moomoo. As she comes flying around the corner with her big floppy melons just swinging madly screaming what could only be called mumbles, she raced up to the guy on the ground ( who it's safe to name Angel at this point ) and all I understood her to say was "ay dios mio!!" ( which means OMG in Spanish ) and then some more Spanish mumbling. It was at this point that things took on a circus appeal, when raccoon girl tells the crazy melon lady to shut up in Spanish. Here is when I actually make my retreat back to my balcony where I would be safe. Remember, fear has control of me at this point and there wasn't one good reason I could find to convince me that I could have taken control of the situation.

    Now, I am normally a good friend but this time I was selfish, I left my neighbor there with those people all alone. In what seemed like five minutes after the fall and still no ambulance I felt the fight or flight pressure and I found out what kind of man I am. I didn't care because I knew the situation was under control and I was just a spectator in the way. I watched in complete suspense as to what was happening on that side of the pool. At one point Justin the neighbor looked back at me as if to ask me "WTF?" I was over the fear by now and I was overwhelmed with confusion on how I felt about what was going on. I felt a little guilty for leaving my neighbor to deal with the Jerry Springer show and I felt bad for Angel, who knows how bad he was hurt. Maybe he took the Red Bull commercials way to litteral.

    Once I made it safely to my balcony that's when the fireworks erupted. The next think I see is melon tits starts to push around raccoon eyes and raccoon eyes responds with a haymaker at the other ladies head. Her shot wasn't well aimed because from what I could tell they had all been drinking all night and none of them should have been awake at that hour anyways but that didn't stop the two women from going at it. They started screaming, cursing, and punching as Angel finally rolled over to his back with my neighbor telling him to stay still until the ambulance gets there. I'm not completely sure the man understood Justin because he only responded to him in broken English and he only answered simple questions he was asked from what my neighbor told me. By now a seriously over matched "Dark Knight" who was out of his weight class was trying to seperate the two women. He had raccoon eyes by the left wrist and he was trying to keep melon tits at bay with his free arm. There are those dreams that most men have about watching women fight and I wish that I could say this was one of those times but sadly enough it wasn't.

    As I sat in my chair bewhildered at the current events and watching the women fight out of the corner of my eye I see "Angel" sit up. The movement imediately caught my attention so I watched as he clambered to his feet. As he stood up my neighbor stood next to him and I could see him asking if he was sure he was ok or at least I assume he was asking that, and the man turned and started to walk away past the pillow fight turned brawl. The women saw the man and stopped punching at each other and followed the man and continued to yell though I'm not quite sure at who. After the group of sunday morning fighters had walked away leaving my neighbor Justin standing there with his jaw on the floor in what I can only assume was left over shock and total confusion. My neighbor then walks around the pool towards me with an almost indescribable look on his face and he tells me that he was already running late to his commitment but if he wasn't he would have had to talk to me about what had just occured. Then he grabbed his cup of coffee and keys that he had set on the sidewalk next to the pool gate and he left.

    So fifteen minutes after it all started I'm sitting on my balcony smoking yet another ciggerette trying to calm down and needing nothing more than sleep. I looked at my phone and saw that it was only 7:20 am and it was back to peace and tranquility but I'm hopped up on some mix of excitement, fear, and confusion and I needed someone to talk to. If a tree falls in the woods and no one is around to hear it, does it make a sound?  That's how I felt, I couldn't ignore it, I thought I witnessed the falling tree and I wanted everyone to know I heard the sound. I knew by seeing Angel drop from the sky that I had no one to tell and if it had not been for my neighbor I'm not sure anyone would have believed me, so I know if the tree falls it will make a noise because we all want to be seen and heard. I posted my story "it's raining Mexicans" on my Facebook page and went to bed knowing my mind was about to explode with questions that have no answer. Why was he on the balcony? How did he not break major bones? Who was he? Who were the people involved? Where were was the ambulance or police for that matter? I guess I'll never know.