I freaked out yesterday, I realized that this blog is attached to my social sites and if anyone I know happens across this page they will be filling in a lot of blanks and I don't think I want that so now I have to spend time covering my anchovies. Now that that's out of the way I have to admit this, blogging sucks. Not because I don't have a voice, not because I don't have time or because I have nothing to say but simply because I have no audience. I seem to do better in crowds, I get a feel of the scene and whip out the best stories but here, writing blind has been terrible.
I understand I won't get people to read if it's just ramblings of an old man but they do! People read some of the strangest shit and I must confess I'm one of them but even those people won't read my posts. So what's a guy to do?
ANSWER: (Flip Bird)
Now, I was sitting outside of my favorite barber shop down the street. I'm waiting for my hair stylist to finish up with her customer and while I don't normally wait long, this day I was in bad need of a haircut so I was there till the job was done. As I'm standing there smoking and people watching, I hear a truck rev up its engine, squeal its tires and lunge at some guy walking in the parking lot. When I focused in on the action I saw a good sized man jump out of the truck and the toothpick of a man that was almost a speed bump immediately threw up his hands backing away from the driver yelling "I thought you were someone else, I’m sorry, seriously man, I'm not lying!" Then the toothpick runs away from the truck down the sidewalk in front of the little strip mall I was standing in front of. The Chihuahua driving the big toy (He was like a little dog, sounded scary but never did a damn thing and he was driving a Tundra) then guns the engine again around some cars and quickly followed the toothpick around the building. No sooner than the truck made it around the corner the toothpick came right back around the corner and then ran towards the fast food places at the end of the parking lot. At this point I lost sight of the skinny guy running around and the truck seemed to back off but what really eats at me about this whole event is that I never get to know the story behind it all. I don't know if the skinny guy was some sort of psycho and slapped the drivers’ girlfriend or his mom, who knows. So I'm stuck with an incomplete story.
That story has been rattling around in my head for almost a week now and it's driving me crazy. So I decided to write and give an ending to the partial one I witnessed. Isn't this the same way the magazine The Enquirer was invented?
Setup: Skinny guy will now be known as "Shaggy" (he did look a little like the Latin version of shaggy, so it's not too much of a stretch.)The all bark and no bite driver will be known as "Kim ill" because he was a short thick dude with big sunglasses, though he was Latino too.
Story: Shaggy is sitting on his couch in his apartment just hanging out watching cartoon network on a Tuesday afternoon when he gets a craving for some pizza. He's not sure but he thinks his neighbor is sleeping with his mom because for some reason when he sees his neighbor in passing the guy calls him "son" every single time and he always laughs before saying the word son. So for the past year he has been sneaking out of his apartment. Once he's clear of his apartment and in the grocery store parking lot he realizes he's forgotten what he needed to buy so he goes inside. He notices immediately that every grocery store he's ever been into has had the produce on the right side of the store. He headed straight towards the bakery to see if there are any free samples from the deli, bakery or Chinese short cook. He makes it through half of the store when he finds himself in the frozen foods section, he only realizes this because in his rush he only had on a t-shirt, shorts, socks and slip on sandals or pretty much what he slept in last night. So now he makes his way outside to warm up and he sees his buddy drive by in a new truck so he follows him on foot. His buddy didn't notice him walking in the parking lot so Shaggy comes up with an idea and after a few minutes of belly ripping laughter he strolls up to his buddy's truck and waits. A few minutes later he catches his friend heading straight to his truck so Shaggy jumps into action. He turns his back to his buddy and makes sure the guy can see he's between the vehicles but not be able to see his face. By the time Kim Ill makes his way out to the parking lot he sees some scrawny crack head looking guy on the other side of his truck and he's giggling uncontrollably. As confused as he could be Kim peaked his head around his truck, to his horror he realizes that this random crack head his pissing all over his door and apparently on himself too. After Kim catches a good deep breath he screams "What the?!" Shaggy quickly shuts off the water works and drops his tool back in his pajama bottoms and skipped off laughing hysterically. Once Kim finishes surveying the scene and making sure that idiot didn't do something a bit more serious to his truck he then turned his gaze back towards Shaggy who had run between a few rows over. Without thinking too much about it Kim rips his truck door open, the air rocketed straight into his nostrils, piss. If there was a graphic representation of Kim's mind it would have been nuclear. Kim cranks up his truck and floors it, he's going to make a speed bump out of this slacker loser. Shaggy has to stop after a few rows of cars between the running and laughing this is the most exercise his tummy has seen since childhood. He turns around looking for his buddy when he heard the squealing tires, then he feels it. Kim knows Shaggy hasn't seen him yet, oddly enough Shaggy seems to be staring at where Kim was parked. Kim realizes that Shaggy won't even move a little and he's scared of going to jail so he slams on the breaks and jumps out of the truck. Shaggy ripped his head around to see the truck come to a stop and when the truck door slammed shut he didn't recognize the guy driving, holy hell, his brain was suddenly frozen in fear so he takes off running. An hour later shaggy realized that there are a lot more Toyota Tundra's in his neighborhood than he ever imagined.
This is what I do, while you guys are at work, being productive. I wonder what your story is, can you tell it?
No comments:
Post a Comment